Please Tell Me You're Joking: Spring 2011 Runway Rundown, Part Deux

Don't worry, we'll get back to making fun of man clothes soon (as if you actually care.  Well, my cat, noted connoisseur of man-style Mr. Pickles, was starting to fret.).  But meanwhile, here's another batch of straight-up crazy from Paris fashion week.

Speaking of fashion shows and such, did I ever tell you guys I used to really wish I were a model? (DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK! that "bitch, please, have you met a mirror?" look.)  Eating disorders, shmeating disorders, it looked like the best thing ever: wearing pretty clothes and going to parties, and no more school and having to do complicated math or whatever.  Sadly I'm like 5'5" and inhale ice cream 24/7, so there was little chance of that dream coming true (Other dreams that are still intact: marrying a duke, buying Versailles, not dying ever.  Come on, IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN...I mean, as long as you believe in yourself...)

Designers Are Why Drug Lords Are So Rich: Paris Spring 2011 Runway Rundown, Part Un

I'm sure that the two people who read this (that is, me and my cat) are like, "Whaaaaaat? This is supposed to be a blog about man style! Why are you talking about lady clothes? I want an analysis of cravats, not this rubbish, you lying bitch!" Well to be honest, much as I love all things man-style, it is kind of a limited subject, and sometimes I run out of things to say.  So I thought I'd see what was up in the world of lady fashion.   Would you guys be down with that? Oh wait, I don't actually care.  It's happening, bitches!

And don't worry that just because I'm writing a little about lady clothes I'm going to start posting "artistic" pictures of myself posing in different outfits.  Please.  Have a little faith in me.  I would never try to pull shit like that.

ANYWAY, Paris Fashion Week just wrapped up, so let's take a look at the madness that went down the runway:

Keeping Warm While Looking Cool (The original title was "Fall" into Something Stylish, so just be grateful)

It's that time of year again: A sharp wind chills you to the bone when you step outside, you can see your breath in the air, you can't get out of bed to face the cold without a warming sip of gin first (wait, that happens all year round), etc. Basically it's about to get PRETTY FUCKING COLD, you know?
Anyway,  let's take a look at some autumn/winter outerwear options.  There's no need to sacrifice style for the sake of comfort .
 1. Blazers. I like them.  Duh.  Sharp, a little preppy, a little edgy, blah blah blah, just trust me here.  Adding a skinny tie on occasion would not go amiss.  You don't have to look like such a goddamn SLOB all the time.

 

                                                           BDG Shrunken Blazer.  A mere $68.

2. Military is one of the big trends this fall.

I am not really on board with this.  Mostly because "military" makes me think of old dudes with moustaches and possibly British accents.  What I'm trying to say is that it makes me think of guys like Colonel Mustard here, who I think we can agree isn't exactly the coolest:

Okay, yes, I did spend a lot of time in my childhood playing Clue with my imaginary (/only) friends. Yes, we did get into a lot of arguments about who got to be Miss Scarlet. 

3.  There is something rather disturbing about a man in a large/long coat:

The extra volume kind of makes it seem like he's wearing a dress.  Big coats also can give off serial killer vibes (although in this case his awful hair isn't helping.  What is it with Urban Outfitters models?  They look like unhinged lumberjacks who use their axes for chopping up trees and people.)

High Fashion Hijinks: Spring 2011 Runway Rundown, Part Trois

You don't even need me, really.  The pictures kind of speak for themselves.
 
Alexis Mabille:

This looks like what would happen if one of the lost boys was like "fuck this shit" once Wendy showed up and ruined everything so he bounced to go join a crazy pagan cult where they sacrifice goats and dance around fires and stuff.  I still would though.

A List of Some Random Shit I Hate

 This is only a list of things I hate within the man-style category.  If it were a list of things I hate in general, it would be so long it would probably break the internet or something.  Because I am some sort of bitter curmudgeon old man with no heart who beats down happiness with a cane of misery.

                                           This is a picture of me.

ANYWAY...the things on this list are serious infractions, but I didn't think they quite merited their own individual posts.  If the man-skirt is the equivalent of homicide, these are maybe like robbery or assault.

1. Man Jewelry.  What's even the point here? Jewelry isn't even adding anything to your appearance.  It's not like some girl is going to be like "I wasn't into you before, but now that you're wearing a necklace, let me take my clothes off!" Earrings, bracelets, rings, necklaces - they all need to go.  You are a man.  You should not be accessorizing your person with items that are jangly, sparkly or shiny.

Wardrobe Basics: Jeans

With the exception of a few forays into the land of shorts in the summer months, if you're a guy, you wear pants all the time (At least I hope so.  We already went over the whole man-skirt fiasco.  And you really shouldn't be experimenting with some Lady Gaga-style pantsless shit.).  Anyway, this basically means that you wear jeans all the time, because really, what other options are there? Khakis? Khakis suck.  Fun fact: did you know that "sex" and "khakis" are antonyms? Corduroy is pretty lame and gives off a dusty 1970s vibe (only bears can pull it off).  Basically, my point is that jeans are the bread and butter of the male wardrobe.  Unfortunately,  a lot of you are using moldy Wonderbread and your butter is actually cheap, nasty margarine.   Luckily, with my help we can turn that into a freshly-baked baguette and some organic creamy butter (here's to taking metaphors TOO FAR)! But seriously today I thought I would actually try to do some good and give some useful advice, rather than just heaping scorn on another target of hate.

High Fashion Hijinks: Runway Rundown Spring 2011, Part Deux

More delightful looks from the various shit-shows!

Romain Kremer:
 

That old ho Burt better watch the fuck out, because there's a new bee-keeping bitch in town, and he's showing everyone how it's done.  Keeping bees doesn't mean wearing some old hat your grandpa wears fishing and a filthy beard crusted with honey, you need to seduce the bees with a sensuous shimmering folds of your veil and a sexy diva hat.