Sunday, August 8, 2010

Wardrobe Basics: Jeans

With the exception of a few forays into the land of shorts in the summer months, if you're a guy, you wear pants all the time (At least I hope so.  We already went over the whole man-skirt fiasco.  And you really shouldn't be experimenting with some Lady Gaga-style pantsless shit.).  Anyway, this basically means that you wear jeans all the time, because really, what other options are there? Khakis? Khakis suck.  Fun fact: did you know that "sex" and "khakis" are antonyms? Corduroy is pretty lame and gives off a dusty 1970s vibe (only bears can pull it off).  Basically, my point is that jeans are the bread and butter of the male wardrobe.  Unfortunately,  a lot of you are using moldy Wonderbread and your butter is actually cheap, nasty margarine.   Luckily, with my help we can turn that into a freshly-baked baguette and some organic creamy butter (here's to taking metaphors TOO FAR)! But seriously today I thought I would actually try to do some good and give some useful advice, rather than just heaping scorn on another target of hate.

Now I have to say, the skinny jean has always been my favorite style of man-jean.  They have a subtle sophistication, which combined with their everyday and casual nature, make them effortlessly cool.  The fit has to be just right.  You want them to be fairly tight on the leg, but not so tight that you have that ghastly, spindly chicken-leg effect.
Something like this would do very nicely:

This, on the other hand, is TOO TIGHT.  I don't want to know intimate details about the shape of your calves.  You shouldn't look like you squeezed into ladies' jeggings, for fuck's sake.

However, not everyone should be rushing out to buy a pair of skinnies (because I know you all do exactly what I tell you to do).  I mean, "skinny" is the operative word here: You have to be thin and on the tall/lanky side, with long legs (note: this does not apply to skinny jeans for girls ).  If you have a more athletic or square build, with shorter legs, skinnies are not the way to go.  They will make you look dumpy and are highly unflattering.  Instead, go for a straight-cut jean - while still slim and sharp, it's much more forgiving than a skinny jean:

Aside from cut, there's also the question of color.  Keep it simple.  Stick to dark blue, black, and gray.  There's no need to go all Joseph and the amazing technicolor dream pants, okay? No one needs to see you walking around in pants that are tomato red or seafoam green.

 Stop right there, Mr. Banana Legs!

And at all costs, stay away from white. There is absolutely nothing more repulsive than a man in white pants (Hello mental patient!).

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