Sunday, April 25, 2010

2nd ComMANdment: Thou shalt only wear pants (and shorts)

Over in the Hague, they've just put away a couple of Serbian war criminals, and now they're putting the man-skirt on trial for crimes against humanity.

I really didn't want to have to make this a comMANdment.  I thought it was obvious.  But APPARENTLY it is not obvious enough to some people.

Warning: the following contains graphic ugliness and may not be appropriate for all viewers.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Prom: Keepin' It Klassy

I love prama.* But just as important as whom you ask is what you wear. Guys probably think that this doesn’t apply to them, but they should actually pay careful attention. Because on prom night most guys end up looking like stiff, awkward mannequins dressed in the dregs of the Men’s Warehouse bargain bin (I can guarantee that I don’t like the way you look). Just look at any prom album on Facebook and you’ll see what I mean.
And when it comes down to it, the traditional tux or three-piece suit is just boring and stale. Instead, I think the best choice is a super-slim black suit, with skinny pants and a skinny black tie. Complete the look with a pair of pointy black oxfords. This look is edgy while still remaining tasteful, and it looks cool without looking like you tried too hard. And it’s guaranteed to get you laid! Kidding. But it will get you major style points…which is just as good, right?
Dior Homme knows what I’m talking about:
(minus the girl-in-a-1920s-orphanage haircut, natch)
Topman offers some more affordable but still excellent choices:
Basic Rules for Prom Wear
  1. If you’re deciding between a vest and a cumberbund, go with the vest. No contest. Yeah, cumberbund is fun to say, and it sounds a bit like “cucumber.” But let’s be honest, they are kind of creepy and old-mannish. They also draw attention to your stomach, which is never flattering, especially if you’re a bit paunchy.
  2. Don’t coordinate with your date. Grown-up, or almost grown-up, people should never match, especially if they are romantically involved. The only people allowed to match are twins, and then only if they are under 6, okay? You really shouldn’t be dressed in any colors besides black and white, anyway.
  3. Slouch a little when you’re wearing a suit. It makes it look more natural. You don’t want it to look like the suit is wearing you.
  4. Don’t be that guy who thinks it would be “hilarious” to come in a 70s style tux, complete with ruffled shirt. Everyone hates that guy.
*Actually, I just love any kind of drama. I feel like I have to hide this a lot, though. Someone will be like “Don’t you hate all this drama going on?” and I’ll be like, “Yeah totally, why can’t everyone just chill out,” when really I’m thinking, “Are you kidding me? This is so exciting!”

1st ComMANdment: Thou Shalt Not Wear Mandals

Mandals. The word is basically synonymous with “dealbreaker.” Seriously, what this really comes down to is that man-feet are flat-out gross. No one wants to be forced to look at them. So just COVER THAT SHIT UP, OKAY?

Unfortunately, a lot of guys seem to be under the impression that mandals are a perfectly acceptable style choice. Event the world of high fashion sometimes falls prey to this delusion:

(Givenchy Menswear Fall 2010)
DO YOU SEE HOW BAD THIS LOOKS? (This is especially awful because these mandals look like the orthopedic shoes your aunt wears to help with her bad back.)
Now, I know that some guys argue that it’s impossible not to wear mandals in the summer, especially if it’s hot and you’re wearing shorts. I say, why not substitute boat shoes instead? They look great with shorts and they’re adorably preppy (very “I summer at Cape Cod, this is my sailboat, would you like a cocktail”…wait, where was I?).

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


It makes me sad when I know exactly what items comprise your wardrobe. Not because I’m an obsessive stalker (wait, that’s a lie), but because you insist on wearing the same fucking garments several times a week. It makes me sad when your pants are too short and I have to look at your mankles. It makes me sad when you have an okay outfit, and then you ruin it by wearing shoes that can only be described as fucking retarded.

I realized I could no longer be a bystander to these crimes against man-style. Isn’t there a thing about how not trying to stop evil is basically giving it your approval? I decided that it was time to take a stand. I’ve seen too many tragedies out there, too many socks-and-sandals pairings.

Over the next few posts, we will be unveiling the Ten ComMANdments, the basic rules of man-style. There is a special circle of Hell for the sinners who break the ComMANdments, where they are forced to spend eternity in head-to-toe Ed Hardy. I think Dante mentions it in Book 3 of the Inferno.

P.S. You might be wondering, why have a blog about men’s fashion? Girls are the ones who care about clothes. Yeah, but if I had a girl fashion blog, I would be helping other girls look good. Screw that. The worse other girls look, the better I look by comparison.