Thursday, July 1, 2010

3rd ComMANdment: Thou shalt not go shorter than short sleeves

It distresses me that this blog is less a celebration of beautiful clothes and adventurous style, and more me yelling at people for doing stupid shit.  I don't want it to have to be this way.  It's not like i enjoy, um,  sipping the haterade or whatever (that's a lie anyway. The only thing I sip is gin!  Because I have a drinking problem!).  At the same time though, I feel like I have to intervene, because 1) I am kind, and I want to save people from themselves, and 2) I like to be able to walk around without having my eyes raped.

So.  Men in tank-tops.  Mank-tops.  I've been noticing a sickening epidemic of them lately, and I have to ask: What the fuck do you think you're doing?

 As both a citizen of this country, and a human being with eyes, I am offended.

First of all, I know it may hurt to realize this, but man-bodies were simply not made for tank tops.  I'm sorry, but the combination just doesn't work.  If you really feel the need to show off your muscles that badly, just find excuses to take your shirt off more often (use it to bandage wounds, smother fires, and mop up spills!). 

A disturbing side-effect of the mank is that it often reveals a lot of man-cleavage.  MEAVAGE (I'm sad that's even a word) is not sexy.  It's not attractive.  It's disgusting.  No girl is going to get an eyeful of your gross man-cleavage and be like, "I want to get with that."

 I, too, would be too embarrassed to look anyone in the face if I had to wear a mank.

 We also have to discuss a particularly vile member of the mank family: the wife-beater.  There are plenty of obvious signs that wearing one is a bad idea.  Like the fact that it's called a WIFE-BEATER! The name is kind of a clue, people! I wouldn't wear a garment called a "tacky-tramp" or a "cheap-slut"(although that may actually be the other name for some of my shorter skirts).  My friend Molly adds that "the only man who can pull off wife-beaters is Marlon Brando and that was the fifties!"

Also, you do realize that when you wear a tank/wifebeater, you look like you're into dudes, right? Not that there's anything wrong with being of the homosexual persuasion, natch, but the overall effect is ridiculous since you seem to think you look super manly.  I especially see a ton of guys in tanks at the gym, and they don't seem to get that the message they're sending out isn't "Ladies, check out how ripped I am," it's "I'm looking for a guy who likes glitter and Gaga."  As Molly puts it, "Don't wear that shit to the gym. You look gay and plain stupid."

 I leave you with a final, searing reminder of the depravity that humanity is capable of:


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