Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Reflections on MANke-up

So today I had some deep thoughts on gender inequality.  That's right. We are all about serious issues affecting society over here! Anyway, I was slathering my face with its daily make-up mask (so as not to horrify the outside world), when I realized how unfair it is that guys don't have the same opportunities to improve their appearances that girls do.

Now I have to admit I'm slightly biased. I'm a full-on cosmetics whore.  I put more powder on my face than raging cokeheads shove up their noses.  Make-up artist is my fall-back career (if countess, spy, and jewel thief don't work out).   Seriously, if you tried to take this bitch away from her make-up, I'd probably sharpen the end of my eyeliner pencil and straight up shank you. 

But seriously, take away their make-up, their hairstyle, etc., and eighty percent of the girls you think are pretty would look like fugly skanks you'd only want to get it on with during Earth Hour. On the other hand, guys don't have anything to hide behind.  Take a girl and a guy who are both sixes.  Bitch can get a flattering haircut that frames her face properly, clap on the slap 'till it's two inches thick, and claw her way up to an eight.  But the guy has to stay where he is, stuck with the face he's born with.

 What's a less-than-handsome guy to do? Go cruising for blindies?  Try to win girls by being funny? (sidenote: at least guys have a chance of attracting the opposite sex based on personality.  If you're a girl who doesn't look great naturally, and make-up and hair don't help,  find some cats and learn to knit, 'cause you're fucked.)

Or should he perhaps...try some MANke-up? Experiment with cosMANtics? (I once had hopes that this blog would be more than a repository for puns that involved the word "man," but these hopes died a long time ago.)

Obviously, it's a risky step to take and you have to be very careful.  I think it would be okay for a guy to wear some sort of foundation/concealer.  A smooth, clean complexion looks good on everyone.  But I would not want to know that he was wearing it and I would definitely not want to see him touching it up or whatever.  Dealbreaker! And please don't take it any further - not that you were planning on it - no blush, no bronzer, no mascara.  Blech.

Then there's guyliner.  I would say, proceed with extreme caution.  If you have very light lashes and your eyes aren't very defined (i.e. they aren't sunk very far back in your face),  I think it could actually help.  But subtlety is key here! It should not even be noticeable.  You should not look like a sulky boy band member.

Please remember, in any foray into man make-up, you are playing with fire! BECAUSE THIS COULD HAPPEN:

Sorry I think I have to go be sick.


  1. hahahhahahahahahahahahahah
    you're hilarious

  2. margot, c'est molly! alors i was thinking about the foundation point and it occurred to moi that another vein of male cover-up comes in the form of spray on tan. which in most cases makes one look like a cheesy whatsit or just plain orange. so defo stay clear of that (MAJOR DEALBREAKER). you don't want to be known as Mr. Crispy, like our said friend Cristiano Ronaldo. On that note, NO NAIL POLISH. especially on the toes. if you're gonna get a mani and pedi just ask for no polish, its too weird to see a man in ebony toe-nail polish.
    au revoir for now!