High Fashion Hijinks: Runway Rundown Spring 2011, Part Deux

More delightful looks from the various shit-shows!

Romain Kremer:
 

That old ho Burt better watch the fuck out, because there's a new bee-keeping bitch in town, and he's showing everyone how it's done.  Keeping bees doesn't mean wearing some old hat your grandpa wears fishing and a filthy beard crusted with honey, you need to seduce the bees with a sensuous shimmering folds of your veil and a sexy diva hat.

High Fashion Hijinks: Runway Rundown Spring 2011, Part Un

Fashion week for spring 2011 menswear collections wrapped up recently so let's take a look at what went down the runways in Paris and Milan! This stuff is important, you guys! You kids today just don't care enough about current events and the issues that affect our world, like the changing width of men's suit lapels.

Quick sidenote: doesn't this seem ridiculously early to be thinking about spring of 2011? Honestly, guys, I hadn't finished processing that spring 2010 had even happened.  Like, one minute it was freezing cold winter and you're doing all this cough syrup and then one day you wake up surrounded by old Chinese take-out containers and empty bottles of rum and it's freaking April...

Anyway, first up, Jean-Paul Gaultier:

Reflections on MANke-up

So today I had some deep thoughts on gender inequality.  That's right. We are all about serious issues affecting society over here! Anyway, I was slathering my face with its daily make-up mask (so as not to horrify the outside world), when I realized how unfair it is that guys don't have the same opportunities to improve their appearances that girls do.

Now I have to admit I'm slightly biased. I'm a full-on cosmetics whore.  I put more powder on my face than raging cokeheads shove up their noses.  Make-up artist is my fall-back career (if countess, spy, and jewel thief don't work out).   Seriously, if you tried to take this bitch away from her make-up, I'd probably sharpen the end of my eyeliner pencil and straight up shank you. 

But seriously, take away their make-up, their hairstyle, etc., and eighty percent of the girls you think are pretty would look like fugly skanks you'd only want to get it on with during Earth Hour. On the other hand, guys don't have anything to hide behind.  Take a girl and a guy who are both sixes.  Bitch can get a flattering haircut that frames her face properly, clap on the slap 'till it's two inches thick, and claw her way up to an eight.  But the guy has to stay where he is, stuck with the face he's born with.

3rd ComMANdment: Thou shalt not go shorter than short sleeves

It distresses me that this blog is less a celebration of beautiful clothes and adventurous style, and more me yelling at people for doing stupid shit.  I don't want it to have to be this way.  It's not like i enjoy, um,  sipping the haterade or whatever (that's a lie anyway. The only thing I sip is gin!  Because I have a drinking problem!).  At the same time though, I feel like I have to intervene, because 1) I am kind, and I want to save people from themselves, and 2) I like to be able to walk around without having my eyes raped.

So.  Men in tank-tops.  Mank-tops.  I've been noticing a sickening epidemic of them lately, and I have to ask: What the fuck do you think you're doing?

 As both a citizen of this country, and a human being with eyes, I am offended.

Summer Style, Part Un

Who doesn't love summer? The parties, the sweet summer flings, those warm, hazy, drunken summer nights, or, if you're me, going to the library and checking out a ton of books because you made an awesome summer reading list.  I know, I live life in the fast lane.  Try to keep up, bitches. 

However, man-style can be particularly tricky in the summertime.  There are vicious snares and traps lurking around every corner.  In the heat, it's so tempting to slip on a pair of mandals, or to ease into some vile cargo shorts.  Your body may be comfortable, but is your conscience?  That's why you have to remain vigilant.

Let's start at the top and work our way down (what she said?).

2nd ComMANdment: Thou shalt only wear pants (and shorts)

Over in the Hague, they've just put away a couple of Serbian war criminals, and now they're putting the man-skirt on trial for crimes against humanity.

I really didn't want to have to make this a comMANdment.  I thought it was obvious.  But APPARENTLY it is not obvious enough to some people.

Warning: the following contains graphic ugliness and may not be appropriate for all viewers.

Prom: Keepin' It Klassy

I love prama.* But just as important as whom you ask is what you wear. Guys probably think that this doesn’t apply to them, but they should actually pay careful attention. Because on prom night most guys end up looking like stiff, awkward mannequins dressed in the dregs of the Men’s Warehouse bargain bin (I can guarantee that I don’t like the way you look). Just look at any prom album on Facebook and you’ll see what I mean.

And when it comes down to it, the traditional tux or three-piece suit is just boring and stale. Instead, I think the best choice is a super-slim black suit, with skinny pants and a skinny black tie. Complete the look with a pair of pointy black oxfords. This look is edgy while still remaining tasteful, and it looks cool without looking like you tried too hard. And it’s guaranteed to get you laid! Kidding. But it will get you major style points…which is just as good, right?

Dior Homme knows what I’m talking about:

(minus the girl-in-a-1920s-orphanage haircut, natch)

Topman offers some more affordable but still excellent choices:

Basic Rules for Prom Wear

1. If you’re deciding between a vest and a cumberbund, go with the vest. No contest. Yeah, cumberbund is fun to say, and it sounds a bit like “cucumber.” But let’s be honest, they are kind of creepy and old-mannish. They also draw attention to your stomach, which is never flattering, especially if you’re a bit paunchy.
2. Don’t coordinate with your date. Grown-up, or almost grown-up, people should never match, especially if they are romantically involved. The only people allowed to match are twins, and then only if they are under 6, okay? You really shouldn’t be dressed in any colors besides black and white, anyway.
3. Slouch a little when you’re wearing a suit. It makes it look more natural. You don’t want it to look like the suit is wearing you.
4. Don’t be that guy who thinks it would be “hilarious” to come in a 70s style tux, complete with ruffled shirt. Everyone hates that guy.

*Actually, I just love any kind of drama. I feel like I have to hide this a lot, though. Someone will be like “Don’t you hate all this drama going on?” and I’ll be like, “Yeah totally, why can’t everyone just chill out,” when really I’m thinking, “Are you kidding me? This is so exciting!”