High Fashion Hijinks: Spring 2011 Runway Rundown, Part Trois

You don't even need me, really.  The pictures kind of speak for themselves.
 
Alexis Mabille:

This looks like what would happen if one of the lost boys was like "fuck this shit" once Wendy showed up and ruined everything so he bounced to go join a crazy pagan cult where they sacrifice goats and dance around fires and stuff.  I still would though.

A List of Some Random Shit I Hate

 This is only a list of things I hate within the man-style category.  If it were a list of things I hate in general, it would be so long it would probably break the internet or something.  Because I am some sort of bitter curmudgeon old man with no heart who beats down happiness with a cane of misery.

                                           This is a picture of me.

ANYWAY...the things on this list are serious infractions, but I didn't think they quite merited their own individual posts.  If the man-skirt is the equivalent of homicide, these are maybe like robbery or assault.

1. Man Jewelry.  What's even the point here? Jewelry isn't even adding anything to your appearance.  It's not like some girl is going to be like "I wasn't into you before, but now that you're wearing a necklace, let me take my clothes off!" Earrings, bracelets, rings, necklaces - they all need to go.  You are a man.  You should not be accessorizing your person with items that are jangly, sparkly or shiny.

Wardrobe Basics: Jeans

With the exception of a few forays into the land of shorts in the summer months, if you're a guy, you wear pants all the time (At least I hope so.  We already went over the whole man-skirt fiasco.  And you really shouldn't be experimenting with some Lady Gaga-style pantsless shit.).  Anyway, this basically means that you wear jeans all the time, because really, what other options are there? Khakis? Khakis suck.  Fun fact: did you know that "sex" and "khakis" are antonyms? Corduroy is pretty lame and gives off a dusty 1970s vibe (only bears can pull it off).  Basically, my point is that jeans are the bread and butter of the male wardrobe.  Unfortunately,  a lot of you are using moldy Wonderbread and your butter is actually cheap, nasty margarine.   Luckily, with my help we can turn that into a freshly-baked baguette and some organic creamy butter (here's to taking metaphors TOO FAR)! But seriously today I thought I would actually try to do some good and give some useful advice, rather than just heaping scorn on another target of hate.

High Fashion Hijinks: Runway Rundown Spring 2011, Part Deux

More delightful looks from the various shit-shows!

Romain Kremer:
 

That old ho Burt better watch the fuck out, because there's a new bee-keeping bitch in town, and he's showing everyone how it's done.  Keeping bees doesn't mean wearing some old hat your grandpa wears fishing and a filthy beard crusted with honey, you need to seduce the bees with a sensuous shimmering folds of your veil and a sexy diva hat.

High Fashion Hijinks: Runway Rundown Spring 2011, Part Un

Fashion week for spring 2011 menswear collections wrapped up recently so let's take a look at what went down the runways in Paris and Milan! This stuff is important, you guys! You kids today just don't care enough about current events and the issues that affect our world, like the changing width of men's suit lapels.

Quick sidenote: doesn't this seem ridiculously early to be thinking about spring of 2011? Honestly, guys, I hadn't finished processing that spring 2010 had even happened.  Like, one minute it was freezing cold winter and you're doing all this cough syrup and then one day you wake up surrounded by old Chinese take-out containers and empty bottles of rum and it's freaking April...

Anyway, first up, Jean-Paul Gaultier:

Reflections on MANke-up

So today I had some deep thoughts on gender inequality.  That's right. We are all about serious issues affecting society over here! Anyway, I was slathering my face with its daily make-up mask (so as not to horrify the outside world), when I realized how unfair it is that guys don't have the same opportunities to improve their appearances that girls do.

Now I have to admit I'm slightly biased. I'm a full-on cosmetics whore.  I put more powder on my face than raging cokeheads shove up their noses.  Make-up artist is my fall-back career (if countess, spy, and jewel thief don't work out).   Seriously, if you tried to take this bitch away from her make-up, I'd probably sharpen the end of my eyeliner pencil and straight up shank you. 

But seriously, take away their make-up, their hairstyle, etc., and eighty percent of the girls you think are pretty would look like fugly skanks you'd only want to get it on with during Earth Hour. On the other hand, guys don't have anything to hide behind.  Take a girl and a guy who are both sixes.  Bitch can get a flattering haircut that frames her face properly, clap on the slap 'till it's two inches thick, and claw her way up to an eight.  But the guy has to stay where he is, stuck with the face he's born with.

3rd ComMANdment: Thou shalt not go shorter than short sleeves

It distresses me that this blog is less a celebration of beautiful clothes and adventurous style, and more me yelling at people for doing stupid shit.  I don't want it to have to be this way.  It's not like i enjoy, um,  sipping the haterade or whatever (that's a lie anyway. The only thing I sip is gin!  Because I have a drinking problem!).  At the same time though, I feel like I have to intervene, because 1) I am kind, and I want to save people from themselves, and 2) I like to be able to walk around without having my eyes raped.

So.  Men in tank-tops.  Mank-tops.  I've been noticing a sickening epidemic of them lately, and I have to ask: What the fuck do you think you're doing?

 As both a citizen of this country, and a human being with eyes, I am offended.