Let's Make 2011 the Year We Banish Ugliness

It's New Year's Day, you've just hauled yourself out of bed with a splitting headache after a night of wild debauchery (or in my world, drinking sparkling cider in a champagne glass with your teddybear and cat) and you're starting to make your New Year's ressies.  Well this year, instead of promising to become a better person/eat more healthily/stop being a drunk/learn to read, why not make a resolution that actually counts and make this the year that you improve the way you dress and get your shit together, style wise?  You can brighten the lives of everyone around you by pledging to abide by some essential man-style laws!
Take official Ugliness Is A Crime New Year's Resolution Pledge!
In the coming year I firmly resolve
1. Not to wear mandals (especially with SOCKS)
2. Not to grow any kind of gross facial hair
3. Not to wear tank tops/wife beaters/ etc. and not to display any man cleavage.
4.  Not to wear hats that make me look like a tool.
5. Not to wear whatever I find on the floor in the morning.
6. To do my best not to hurt people's eyes.

 And don't think that if you're a girl there's nothing you can do to help.  You can pledge not to date guys with stupid beards or to withhold sexual favors if your boyfriend tries to wear mandals.  Or just call random people out when they're wearing stupid shit. 
Together, we can all make 2011 a great year for man style.

Man Fashion Crime of the Month: Seriously, W magazine?

Really?  You really thought this was in any way a good idea? 

Good God, this is as ugly as homemade sin.  This gentleman is apparently named Garrett Hedlund (his name sounds like a viking who models for Abercrombie in between pillagings) and as the headline informs me, he's "the new heartthrob (and he can act)" (But can he think? Because he kind of looks lobotomized.).   I'm honestly trying to figure out the thought process here.  "Okay, guys, we need to come up with an outfit that says "heartthrob."  OMG I got it! Animal print lady pants!"    I mean, come on, those are the pants an ageing prostitute would wear with red patent leather heels and too much lipliner when she wants to look like a "serious businesswoman" for a court appearance or something.  And then to top it all off they paired it with a grubby v-neck that looks like it came from a Hanes 3-pack. Also, if you have to do the animal print thing, at least have him make a snarly face and do hand claws.  Missed opportunity!

Please Tell Me You're Joking: Spring 2011 Runway Rundown, Part Deux

Don't worry, we'll get back to making fun of man clothes soon (as if you actually care.  Well, my cat, noted connoisseur of man-style Mr. Pickles, was starting to fret.).  But meanwhile, here's another batch of straight-up crazy from Paris fashion week.

Speaking of fashion shows and such, did I ever tell you guys I used to really wish I were a model? (DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK! that "bitch, please, have you met a mirror?" look.)  Eating disorders, shmeating disorders, it looked like the best thing ever: wearing pretty clothes and going to parties, and no more school and having to do complicated math or whatever.  Sadly I'm like 5'5" and inhale ice cream 24/7, so there was little chance of that dream coming true (Other dreams that are still intact: marrying a duke, buying Versailles, not dying ever.  Come on, IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN...I mean, as long as you believe in yourself...)

Designers Are Why Drug Lords Are So Rich: Paris Spring 2011 Runway Rundown, Part Un

I'm sure that the two people who read this (that is, me and my cat) are like, "Whaaaaaat? This is supposed to be a blog about man style! Why are you talking about lady clothes? I want an analysis of cravats, not this rubbish, you lying bitch!" Well to be honest, much as I love all things man-style, it is kind of a limited subject, and sometimes I run out of things to say.  So I thought I'd see what was up in the world of lady fashion.   Would you guys be down with that? Oh wait, I don't actually care.  It's happening, bitches!

And don't worry that just because I'm writing a little about lady clothes I'm going to start posting "artistic" pictures of myself posing in different outfits.  Please.  Have a little faith in me.  I would never try to pull shit like that.

ANYWAY, Paris Fashion Week just wrapped up, so let's take a look at the madness that went down the runway:

Keeping Warm While Looking Cool (The original title was "Fall" into Something Stylish, so just be grateful)

It's that time of year again: A sharp wind chills you to the bone when you step outside, you can see your breath in the air, you can't get out of bed to face the cold without a warming sip of gin first (wait, that happens all year round), etc. Basically it's about to get PRETTY FUCKING COLD, you know?
Anyway,  let's take a look at some autumn/winter outerwear options.  There's no need to sacrifice style for the sake of comfort .
 1. Blazers. I like them.  Duh.  Sharp, a little preppy, a little edgy, blah blah blah, just trust me here.  Adding a skinny tie on occasion would not go amiss.  You don't have to look like such a goddamn SLOB all the time.

 

                                                           BDG Shrunken Blazer.  A mere $68.

2. Military is one of the big trends this fall.

I am not really on board with this.  Mostly because "military" makes me think of old dudes with moustaches and possibly British accents.  What I'm trying to say is that it makes me think of guys like Colonel Mustard here, who I think we can agree isn't exactly the coolest:

Okay, yes, I did spend a lot of time in my childhood playing Clue with my imaginary (/only) friends. Yes, we did get into a lot of arguments about who got to be Miss Scarlet. 

3.  There is something rather disturbing about a man in a large/long coat:

The extra volume kind of makes it seem like he's wearing a dress.  Big coats also can give off serial killer vibes (although in this case his awful hair isn't helping.  What is it with Urban Outfitters models?  They look like unhinged lumberjacks who use their axes for chopping up trees and people.)

High Fashion Hijinks: Spring 2011 Runway Rundown, Part Trois

You don't even need me, really.  The pictures kind of speak for themselves.
 
Alexis Mabille:

This looks like what would happen if one of the lost boys was like "fuck this shit" once Wendy showed up and ruined everything so he bounced to go join a crazy pagan cult where they sacrifice goats and dance around fires and stuff.  I still would though.

A List of Some Random Shit I Hate

 This is only a list of things I hate within the man-style category.  If it were a list of things I hate in general, it would be so long it would probably break the internet or something.  Because I am some sort of bitter curmudgeon old man with no heart who beats down happiness with a cane of misery.

                                           This is a picture of me.

ANYWAY...the things on this list are serious infractions, but I didn't think they quite merited their own individual posts.  If the man-skirt is the equivalent of homicide, these are maybe like robbery or assault.

1. Man Jewelry.  What's even the point here? Jewelry isn't even adding anything to your appearance.  It's not like some girl is going to be like "I wasn't into you before, but now that you're wearing a necklace, let me take my clothes off!" Earrings, bracelets, rings, necklaces - they all need to go.  You are a man.  You should not be accessorizing your person with items that are jangly, sparkly or shiny.

Wardrobe Basics: Jeans

With the exception of a few forays into the land of shorts in the summer months, if you're a guy, you wear pants all the time (At least I hope so.  We already went over the whole man-skirt fiasco.  And you really shouldn't be experimenting with some Lady Gaga-style pantsless shit.).  Anyway, this basically means that you wear jeans all the time, because really, what other options are there? Khakis? Khakis suck.  Fun fact: did you know that "sex" and "khakis" are antonyms? Corduroy is pretty lame and gives off a dusty 1970s vibe (only bears can pull it off).  Basically, my point is that jeans are the bread and butter of the male wardrobe.  Unfortunately,  a lot of you are using moldy Wonderbread and your butter is actually cheap, nasty margarine.   Luckily, with my help we can turn that into a freshly-baked baguette and some organic creamy butter (here's to taking metaphors TOO FAR)! But seriously today I thought I would actually try to do some good and give some useful advice, rather than just heaping scorn on another target of hate.

High Fashion Hijinks: Runway Rundown Spring 2011, Part Deux

More delightful looks from the various shit-shows!

Romain Kremer:
 

That old ho Burt better watch the fuck out, because there's a new bee-keeping bitch in town, and he's showing everyone how it's done.  Keeping bees doesn't mean wearing some old hat your grandpa wears fishing and a filthy beard crusted with honey, you need to seduce the bees with a sensuous shimmering folds of your veil and a sexy diva hat.

High Fashion Hijinks: Runway Rundown Spring 2011, Part Un

Fashion week for spring 2011 menswear collections wrapped up recently so let's take a look at what went down the runways in Paris and Milan! This stuff is important, you guys! You kids today just don't care enough about current events and the issues that affect our world, like the changing width of men's suit lapels.

Quick sidenote: doesn't this seem ridiculously early to be thinking about spring of 2011? Honestly, guys, I hadn't finished processing that spring 2010 had even happened.  Like, one minute it was freezing cold winter and you're doing all this cough syrup and then one day you wake up surrounded by old Chinese take-out containers and empty bottles of rum and it's freaking April...

Anyway, first up, Jean-Paul Gaultier:

Reflections on MANke-up

So today I had some deep thoughts on gender inequality.  That's right. We are all about serious issues affecting society over here! Anyway, I was slathering my face with its daily make-up mask (so as not to horrify the outside world), when I realized how unfair it is that guys don't have the same opportunities to improve their appearances that girls do.

Now I have to admit I'm slightly biased. I'm a full-on cosmetics whore.  I put more powder on my face than raging cokeheads shove up their noses.  Make-up artist is my fall-back career (if countess, spy, and jewel thief don't work out).   Seriously, if you tried to take this bitch away from her make-up, I'd probably sharpen the end of my eyeliner pencil and straight up shank you. 

But seriously, take away their make-up, their hairstyle, etc., and eighty percent of the girls you think are pretty would look like fugly skanks you'd only want to get it on with during Earth Hour. On the other hand, guys don't have anything to hide behind.  Take a girl and a guy who are both sixes.  Bitch can get a flattering haircut that frames her face properly, clap on the slap 'till it's two inches thick, and claw her way up to an eight.  But the guy has to stay where he is, stuck with the face he's born with.

3rd ComMANdment: Thou shalt not go shorter than short sleeves

It distresses me that this blog is less a celebration of beautiful clothes and adventurous style, and more me yelling at people for doing stupid shit.  I don't want it to have to be this way.  It's not like i enjoy, um,  sipping the haterade or whatever (that's a lie anyway. The only thing I sip is gin!  Because I have a drinking problem!).  At the same time though, I feel like I have to intervene, because 1) I am kind, and I want to save people from themselves, and 2) I like to be able to walk around without having my eyes raped.

So.  Men in tank-tops.  Mank-tops.  I've been noticing a sickening epidemic of them lately, and I have to ask: What the fuck do you think you're doing?

 As both a citizen of this country, and a human being with eyes, I am offended.

Summer Style, Part Un

Who doesn't love summer? The parties, the sweet summer flings, those warm, hazy, drunken summer nights, or, if you're me, going to the library and checking out a ton of books because you made an awesome summer reading list.  I know, I live life in the fast lane.  Try to keep up, bitches. 

However, man-style can be particularly tricky in the summertime.  There are vicious snares and traps lurking around every corner.  In the heat, it's so tempting to slip on a pair of mandals, or to ease into some vile cargo shorts.  Your body may be comfortable, but is your conscience?  That's why you have to remain vigilant.

Let's start at the top and work our way down (what she said?).

2nd ComMANdment: Thou shalt only wear pants (and shorts)

Over in the Hague, they've just put away a couple of Serbian war criminals, and now they're putting the man-skirt on trial for crimes against humanity.

I really didn't want to have to make this a comMANdment.  I thought it was obvious.  But APPARENTLY it is not obvious enough to some people.

Warning: the following contains graphic ugliness and may not be appropriate for all viewers.

Prom: Keepin' It Klassy

I love prama.* But just as important as whom you ask is what you wear. Guys probably think that this doesn’t apply to them, but they should actually pay careful attention. Because on prom night most guys end up looking like stiff, awkward mannequins dressed in the dregs of the Men’s Warehouse bargain bin (I can guarantee that I don’t like the way you look). Just look at any prom album on Facebook and you’ll see what I mean.

And when it comes down to it, the traditional tux or three-piece suit is just boring and stale. Instead, I think the best choice is a super-slim black suit, with skinny pants and a skinny black tie. Complete the look with a pair of pointy black oxfords. This look is edgy while still remaining tasteful, and it looks cool without looking like you tried too hard. And it’s guaranteed to get you laid! Kidding. But it will get you major style points…which is just as good, right?

Dior Homme knows what I’m talking about:

(minus the girl-in-a-1920s-orphanage haircut, natch)

Topman offers some more affordable but still excellent choices:

Basic Rules for Prom Wear

1. If you’re deciding between a vest and a cumberbund, go with the vest. No contest. Yeah, cumberbund is fun to say, and it sounds a bit like “cucumber.” But let’s be honest, they are kind of creepy and old-mannish. They also draw attention to your stomach, which is never flattering, especially if you’re a bit paunchy.
2. Don’t coordinate with your date. Grown-up, or almost grown-up, people should never match, especially if they are romantically involved. The only people allowed to match are twins, and then only if they are under 6, okay? You really shouldn’t be dressed in any colors besides black and white, anyway.
3. Slouch a little when you’re wearing a suit. It makes it look more natural. You don’t want it to look like the suit is wearing you.
4. Don’t be that guy who thinks it would be “hilarious” to come in a 70s style tux, complete with ruffled shirt. Everyone hates that guy.

*Actually, I just love any kind of drama. I feel like I have to hide this a lot, though. Someone will be like “Don’t you hate all this drama going on?” and I’ll be like, “Yeah totally, why can’t everyone just chill out,” when really I’m thinking, “Are you kidding me? This is so exciting!”

1st ComMANdment: Thou Shalt Not Wear Mandals

Mandals. The word is basically synonymous with “dealbreaker.” Seriously, what this really comes down to is that man-feet are flat-out gross. No one wants to be forced to look at them. So just COVER THAT SHIT UP, OKAY?

Unfortunately, a lot of guys seem to be under the impression that mandals are a perfectly acceptable style choice. Event the world of high fashion sometimes falls prey to this delusion:

(Givenchy Menswear Fall 2010)

DO YOU SEE HOW BAD THIS LOOKS? (This is especially awful because these mandals look like the orthopedic shoes your aunt wears to help with her bad back.)
Now, I know that some guys argue that it’s impossible not to wear mandals in the summer, especially if it’s hot and you’re wearing shorts. I say, why not substitute boat shoes instead? They look great with shorts and they’re adorably preppy (very “I summer at Cape Cod, this is my sailboat, would you like a cocktail”…wait, where was I?).

Introduction

It makes me sad when I know exactly what items comprise your wardrobe. Not because I’m an obsessive stalker (wait, that’s a lie), but because you insist on wearing the same fucking garments several times a week. It makes me sad when your pants are too short and I have to look at your mankles. It makes me sad when you have an okay outfit, and then you ruin it by wearing shoes that can only be described as fucking retarded.

I realized I could no longer be a bystander to these crimes against man-style. Isn’t there a thing about how not trying to stop evil is basically giving it your approval? I decided that it was time to take a stand. I’ve seen too many tragedies out there, too many socks-and-sandals pairings.

Over the next few posts, we will be unveiling the Ten ComMANdments, the basic rules of man-style. There is a special circle of Hell for the sinners who break the ComMANdments, where they are forced to spend eternity in head-to-toe Ed Hardy. I think Dante mentions it in Book 3 of the Inferno.

P.S. You might be wondering, why have a blog about men’s fashion? Girls are the ones who care about clothes. Yeah, but if I had a girl fashion blog, I would be helping other girls look good. Screw that. The worse other girls look, the better I look by comparison.