Let's Make 2011 the Year We Banish Ugliness

It's New Year's Day, you've just hauled yourself out of bed with a splitting headache after a night of wild debauchery (or in my world, drinking sparkling cider in a champagne glass with your teddybear and cat) and you're starting to make your New Year's ressies.  Well this year, instead of promising to become a better person/eat more healthily/stop being a drunk/learn to read, why not make a resolution that actually counts and make this the year that you improve the way you dress and get your shit together, style wise?  You can brighten the lives of everyone around you by pledging to abide by some essential man-style laws!
Take official Ugliness Is A Crime New Year's Resolution Pledge!
In the coming year I firmly resolve
1. Not to wear mandals (especially with SOCKS)
2. Not to grow any kind of gross facial hair
3. Not to wear tank tops/wife beaters/ etc. and not to display any man cleavage.
4.  Not to wear hats that make me look like a tool.
5. Not to wear whatever I find on the floor in the morning.
6. To do my best not to hurt people's eyes.

 And don't think that if you're a girl there's nothing you can do to help.  You can pledge not to date guys with stupid beards or to withhold sexual favors if your boyfriend tries to wear mandals.  Or just call random people out when they're wearing stupid shit. 
Together, we can all make 2011 a great year for man style.

Man Fashion Crime of the Month: Seriously, W magazine?

Really?  You really thought this was in any way a good idea? 

Good God, this is as ugly as homemade sin.  This gentleman is apparently named Garrett Hedlund (his name sounds like a viking who models for Abercrombie in between pillagings) and as the headline informs me, he's "the new heartthrob (and he can act)" (But can he think? Because he kind of looks lobotomized.).   I'm honestly trying to figure out the thought process here.  "Okay, guys, we need to come up with an outfit that says "heartthrob."  OMG I got it! Animal print lady pants!"    I mean, come on, those are the pants an ageing prostitute would wear with red patent leather heels and too much lipliner when she wants to look like a "serious businesswoman" for a court appearance or something.  And then to top it all off they paired it with a grubby v-neck that looks like it came from a Hanes 3-pack. Also, if you have to do the animal print thing, at least have him make a snarly face and do hand claws.  Missed opportunity!

Please Tell Me You're Joking: Spring 2011 Runway Rundown, Part Deux

Don't worry, we'll get back to making fun of man clothes soon (as if you actually care.  Well, my cat, noted connoisseur of man-style Mr. Pickles, was starting to fret.).  But meanwhile, here's another batch of straight-up crazy from Paris fashion week.

Speaking of fashion shows and such, did I ever tell you guys I used to really wish I were a model? (DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK! that "bitch, please, have you met a mirror?" look.)  Eating disorders, shmeating disorders, it looked like the best thing ever: wearing pretty clothes and going to parties, and no more school and having to do complicated math or whatever.  Sadly I'm like 5'5" and inhale ice cream 24/7, so there was little chance of that dream coming true (Other dreams that are still intact: marrying a duke, buying Versailles, not dying ever.  Come on, IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN...I mean, as long as you believe in yourself...)

Designers Are Why Drug Lords Are So Rich: Paris Spring 2011 Runway Rundown, Part Un

I'm sure that the two people who read this (that is, me and my cat) are like, "Whaaaaaat? This is supposed to be a blog about man style! Why are you talking about lady clothes? I want an analysis of cravats, not this rubbish, you lying bitch!" Well to be honest, much as I love all things man-style, it is kind of a limited subject, and sometimes I run out of things to say.  So I thought I'd see what was up in the world of lady fashion.   Would you guys be down with that? Oh wait, I don't actually care.  It's happening, bitches!

And don't worry that just because I'm writing a little about lady clothes I'm going to start posting "artistic" pictures of myself posing in different outfits.  Please.  Have a little faith in me.  I would never try to pull shit like that.

ANYWAY, Paris Fashion Week just wrapped up, so let's take a look at the madness that went down the runway:

Keeping Warm While Looking Cool (The original title was "Fall" into Something Stylish, so just be grateful)

It's that time of year again: A sharp wind chills you to the bone when you step outside, you can see your breath in the air, you can't get out of bed to face the cold without a warming sip of gin first (wait, that happens all year round), etc. Basically it's about to get PRETTY FUCKING COLD, you know?
Anyway,  let's take a look at some autumn/winter outerwear options.  There's no need to sacrifice style for the sake of comfort .
 1. Blazers. I like them.  Duh.  Sharp, a little preppy, a little edgy, blah blah blah, just trust me here.  Adding a skinny tie on occasion would not go amiss.  You don't have to look like such a goddamn SLOB all the time.

 

                                                           BDG Shrunken Blazer.  A mere $68.

2. Military is one of the big trends this fall.

I am not really on board with this.  Mostly because "military" makes me think of old dudes with moustaches and possibly British accents.  What I'm trying to say is that it makes me think of guys like Colonel Mustard here, who I think we can agree isn't exactly the coolest:

Okay, yes, I did spend a lot of time in my childhood playing Clue with my imaginary (/only) friends. Yes, we did get into a lot of arguments about who got to be Miss Scarlet. 

3.  There is something rather disturbing about a man in a large/long coat:

The extra volume kind of makes it seem like he's wearing a dress.  Big coats also can give off serial killer vibes (although in this case his awful hair isn't helping.  What is it with Urban Outfitters models?  They look like unhinged lumberjacks who use their axes for chopping up trees and people.)

High Fashion Hijinks: Spring 2011 Runway Rundown, Part Trois

You don't even need me, really.  The pictures kind of speak for themselves.
 
Alexis Mabille:

This looks like what would happen if one of the lost boys was like "fuck this shit" once Wendy showed up and ruined everything so he bounced to go join a crazy pagan cult where they sacrifice goats and dance around fires and stuff.  I still would though.

A List of Some Random Shit I Hate

 This is only a list of things I hate within the man-style category.  If it were a list of things I hate in general, it would be so long it would probably break the internet or something.  Because I am some sort of bitter curmudgeon old man with no heart who beats down happiness with a cane of misery.

                                           This is a picture of me.

ANYWAY...the things on this list are serious infractions, but I didn't think they quite merited their own individual posts.  If the man-skirt is the equivalent of homicide, these are maybe like robbery or assault.

1. Man Jewelry.  What's even the point here? Jewelry isn't even adding anything to your appearance.  It's not like some girl is going to be like "I wasn't into you before, but now that you're wearing a necklace, let me take my clothes off!" Earrings, bracelets, rings, necklaces - they all need to go.  You are a man.  You should not be accessorizing your person with items that are jangly, sparkly or shiny.